Penance

I remember how I used to love the rain. I loved the drops of water falling on my face, and I loved the sweet odour just when it would begin to rain. It was not so anymore. I do not mean that I dislike it now - I am just indifferent. I am indifferent to the rain, to the heat, cold, to everything.

How many days had I been here in the forest? How far was I from home? Home? Did it even exist anymore? That place which I called home - could I call it by that name ever again?

It was beginning to get dark and yet another of the days that I have lost count of was about to end. I sat down under a tree and soon the fatigue got the better of me. I dreamed of my life before this one, the nightmare that has haunted me ever since this started.

A----- was angry. She was always angry. Sometimes she'd be playfully angry. But this was not one of those times. I could only listen to her and look at how beautiful she looked with her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. Yes, she was indeed even more beautiful in her anger. I kept looking at her. What else could I do? We had no money. We had run into debt and that day at the supermarket A-----'s credit card had been refused by the machine. Her anger and frustration were justifed. We just could not carry on like this anymore.

Six months into her pregnancy, A----- could not work and I was yet to find a job that I was not overqualifed for. There was no food at home, we were hungry and so was the unborn soul growing inside of A-----.

Hunger - there was something about this that felt strange. I was at home and yet I was wet and cold. At least the hunger was something that felt real. Real - It's funny how dreams always fall apart the moment we become conscious of reality.

I opened my eyes and stared into the growing darkness, broken only now and then by the faint glitter of raindrops falling from the leaves. Indifferent as I was to everything else, millions of years of evolution prevented me from having the same attitude towards hunger. I got up and started looking for something to eat. It was not diffcult to find. Soon I came upon a tree with small round fruit that tasted like apples but made the mouth rather dry. Irony - It was easier to eat here in the forest than in civilization where one has to earn the right to live and feed oneself and one's family.

I suppose I was very hungry because when I stopped eating, I had already eaten about twenty of the small apples and I was very thirsty. I could hear a stream up ahead and made my way towards it. By then, it was very dark. On other nights the moonlight would be sufficient to make one's way safely through the forest. But that night the moonlight was blocked by the clouds. I had to depend entirely on my hearing to find the source of water. I slipped and stumbled on the rocky path but continued in the direction of the sound
of water.

Finally the sound of the flowing water was very close and I could perceive some movement up in front of me. I walked forward cautiously with my arms stretched out in front of me. Then suddenly my fingers touched the
cold water. Why was it so high up instead of flowing on the ground? Was this a cascade? Why does it stink here? Why do I feel weightless? Wonder - Thought is indeed faster than light.

I felt a sharp blow to my head and a darkness - darker than that of the night - closed in upon me.

That night was dark too. We were expecting it as the result of the unpaid electricity bills. The timing could not have been worse. In the darkness I could no longer see A-----'s face. With nothing to distract me from her words, they now started cutting deeper into the wounds of my conscience. I was irresponsible. I leeched off her income while I was studying for my PhD. She had no savings because of me and now I had no job. It was I who wanted the baby and not she. She wished she'd never met me. It was sickening. I felt like I was about to throw up. Real.

I came to with a throbbing pain in my head and the feeling of nausea caused by the foul stench in this place - wherever this place was. I could feel the cold water around my feet and I could hear the splashing behind me. I must have fallen into this hole as I walked towards the water. I could see some light in the distance and I walked towards it.

As I advanced I became aware of a light splashing that seemed to be moving parallel to me in the darkness to my left. I stopped to look. There was nothing - no movement, no sounds. I turned back to continue on my way. Many minutes later, the light seemed as far away as it was in the beginning, and this splashing was following me relentlessly from the darkness.

I stopped, turned to my left and took out the kitchen knife I had in my pocket. Would I have to use it again?

I called out, "I know you are there. Come out and show yourself." Nothing. I thought I was hallucinating. I started to turn back to face the light when I saw a creature, with bulging eyes, wrinkled skin and tattered clothes jump out from the darkness towards me. My instinct of self-preservation caused me to lift my hands - one of them still holding the knife - to cover my face. As the creature fell upon me I heard the sickening sound of my knife penetrating its throat.

It was not the first time I had heard this sound. It was not the first time this particular knife had done it either. In the darkness of that night A----- continued to vent her frustration by calling me names and cursing her decision to have married me. I sat quietly at the kitchen table with a strange sickness rising up in my throat and a dizziness in my head. I wanted to hold on to something. As I put my hand on the table I touched the knife. At that very moment A----- walked up next to me and shook me, saying "Now say something, will you?" I don't know exactly what I was thinking then, but with one movement I got up and my left hand swung the knife straight into her throat. It was not until a few seconds after the deed that I realized what I had done. In my panic I rushed out of the house, and somehow found my way into the forest. Murder - Why does it bother us so much when it is woven into the very fabric of life here on this planet?

This person that I had killed here in the hole was now lying face down at my feet. I turned away from the corpse to resume my journey towards the light. I do not know how long I had been walking but I was still no closer to it than I was before. I strained my eyes to see something of what was around me but it was too dark. Time did not seem to have any meaning in here, I felt neither hunger nor thirst - only the urge to reach the light. There was one other thing that I felt - Regret.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was still no closer to the light. Then I heard a thud and I saw something fall down in front of me. I went closer to look. It was a man and his face filled me with rage beyond what I have ever known. As he started moving I quietly slipped into the shadows. He got up, looked around and started moving towards the light - it was the only thing to do in this hole. I started following him from within the shadows - my rage growing with every step we took. Once he stopped to look in my direction but I do not think he saw me because he turned back and continued on his path. About an hour later, I could not contain myself any longer and was about to come out of the shadows when he stopped, turned to me and called out. I did not move, but as he turned back I pounced upon him. I did not expect him to be armed but I was wrong. I felt a sharp pain in my throat and moments later I felt nothing at all - ever again.

The man turned and continued towards the light.